Devil in the DNA polished, looking for feedback too.

[Sky Falls In Thunder]

I've reposted the "final" version of what I've got for the Devil in the DNA so far. I realized (among other things) that Chapter 3, "Captain Kirk & Curious Case" wasn't really apparent as being part of Sky's story. This version's been cleaned up pretty well, courtesy some friends over on the Jim Butcher Dresden Files forums who don't mind an excuse to read some fan Trek. (Although I am paying one in beef jerky.) So grammar, spelling, some inconsistancies have been tidied up, it's a much better read than I'd posted before.

I'm trying to keep things Canon, as well as in line with the "Soft Canon" of the books, with particular attention to those TOS classics like Spock's World

For Stardates, I'm using the simplified year/julian date system as those in the shows only really referenced season/episode and were generally inconsistant. So this story takes place in mid 2269, towards the end of the first 5 year mission.

So I'll be posting future chapters (sooner, rather than later) in

http://stotosveteransfleet.guildlaunch.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=8178530&p=29779521&gid=205090#29779521

And if anybody has any feedback on canon issues, story quality, inconsistancies, curiosities, things that you really liked, let me know. This story will eventually lead to the STO Era, and to my own characters entry into Project Christopher.

And if you like Sky's path to 2409 and Project Christoper and want to do something collaborative/overlapping in regards to storylines or characters bumping into each other, let me know! Starfleet's one big, happy, family, after all...

[Carmen les Toreadors]

I like the opening and the flow and the way the strange visage in Kirk's inner mind blossom into a fully blown 'situation' in the unknown nether regions of deep space.

Being a victim myself I can emphatize with the Captains' desire to do whatever they can to assist the 'civilian population' despite the heavy risk from orbital defences and limited shipboard resources. Can also appreciate the attention to detail on the pillowcase and the doll. A little 'human' touch from an otherwise strangely attractive (to me) and deadly Andorian fighter.

(Infamously I have a Victorian doll on my desk along with an angry bird and some specially handmade Victorian style pillows. It confounds people.)

Risking a single vessel on a hazardous aid mission is something I would question especially without first sending recon assets followed by a multiple vessel taskgroup for a more decisive operation.

On the other hand I shall not question your decision to send that allied vessel out by her lonesome to do what she must to further the Federation's best interests... because in the early days of Earth's naval history, you didn't count on having backup as well, not for a few months and the Captain must do whatever necessary with the resources on hand.

In the 25th Century we are indeed able to summon Fleet reinforcements via transwarp (or subtranswarp) using a highly developed subspace communications network, but in the 23rd... things were definitely much more remote and hands-on. It's something I like.

Speaking of hands-on, I really do appreciate the lengths you've taken to illustrate Kirk not just as a Captain but as a living, thinking human being with that special rapport he has with fellow officers. Emotions are something I do not seem to write well (or even embrace) because I care too much for protocol, mission objectives, and technical procedures and usually don't even make a point to acknowledge the human factor.

That means I appreciate your attention to detail even more. It was a good read towards the end of my day in the office, something that takes away boredom and isolation for a time until I get back to my starship and purchase the Excelsior later tonight! Or did I want a D'Kyr instead just to have the 'old V8 muscle car' instead of that silly Honda Odyssey thing?

By the way, your story seems perfect for a translation to a Foundry mission series. One of the lengthier, reading-heavy, RP types of missions. But the gritty details on the refugees, that feeling of horror and pity, would probably be watered down a lot due to obvious reason of PG13 implementation.

So, I'd say it's perfect as it is. And definitely shareable to a larger Trek-friendly community. The polish and shine is very good, indeed. Makes good supplemental reading to my TOS watching campaign.

[Dan (mygod_itsfullofstars)]

I haven't really been keeping up on the forums here, but I'm glad to see you continued the story here and I'm looking forward to reading.

And I still am interested in some collaborative fiction, overlapping stories, and the like. I'm planning on getting back into writing soon.

In the meantime, I'll forward any impressions of your stuff I have.

[Sky Falls In Thunder]

Carmen les Toreadors wrote:

I like the opening and the flow and the way the strange visage in Kirk's inner mind blossom into a fully blown 'situation' in the unknown nether regions of deep space. Being a victim myself I can emphatize with the Captains' desire to do whatever they can to assist the 'civilian population' despite the heavy risk from orbital defences and limited shipboard resources. Can also appreciate the attention to detail on the pillowcase and the doll. A little 'human' touch from an otherwise strangely attractive (to me) and deadly Andorian fighter. (Infamously I have a Victorian doll on my desk along with an angry bird and some specially handmade Victorian style pillows. It confounds people.) Risking a single vessel on a hazardous aid mission is something I would question especially without first sending recon assets followed by a multiple vessel taskgroup for a more decisive operation. On the other hand I shall not question your decision to send that allied vessel out by her lonesome to do what she must to further the Federation's best interests... because in the early days of Earth's naval history, you didn't count on having backup as well, not for a few months and the Captain must do whatever necessary with the resources on hand. In the 25th Century we are indeed able to summon Fleet reinforcements via transwarp (or subtranswarp) using a highly developed subspace communications network, but in the 23rd... things were definitely much more remote and hands-on. It's something I like. Speaking of hands-on, I really do appreciate the lengths you've taken to illustrate Kirk not just as a Captain but as a living, thinking human being with that special rapport he has with fellow officers. Emotions are something I do not seem to write well (or even embrace) because I care too much for protocol, mission objectives, and technical procedures and usually don't even make a point to acknowledge the human factor. That means I appreciate your attention to detail even more. It was a good read towards the end of my day in the office, something that takes away boredom and isolation for a time until I get back to my starship and purchase the Excelsior later tonight! Or did I want a D'Kyr instead just to have the 'old V8 muscle car' instead of that silly Honda Odyssey thing? By the way, your story seems perfect for a translation to a Foundry mission series. One of the lengthier, reading-heavy, RP types of missions. But the gritty details on the refugees, that feeling of horror and pity, would probably be watered down a lot due to obvious reason of PG13 implementation. So, I'd say it's perfect as it is. And definitely shareable to a larger Trek-friendly community. The polish and shine is very good, indeed. Makes good supplemental reading to my TOS watching campaign.

Thanks for all the feedback! If the Foundry had enough TOS resources, this section would make for some pretty good missions. If I had the slightest clue how to do anything on the Foundry. There are some events later that would probably translate well too, particularly as the story moves closer to the advent of Project Christopher. And yeah, the subject matter is pretty dark for PG13.

I'm trying to show the aspects to running a ship and it's crew that the shows never could really get to, and only glossed over when they even mentioned them. And keeping it realistic in terms of military organization is one of my goals, so your input is doubly valued. (I was Army, the Air Force, mainly a REMF who found himself on occasion having Non REMF activities thrust into his schedule.) But Naval operations? All I know about that is from reading Weber & White's Insurrection/Stars at War and Tom Clancy. It's a fun challenge, exploring parts of the crew's personality that build on what we see onscreen rather than simply reflect them. For example, Kirk might like Shaikatra's legs and appreciate her perfume, but he wouldn't go Mack Daddy on her because she's in his chain of command.

You raise a valid issue in regards to sending out single ships. For the Avalon's part, Granger is a bulldog, and was in hot pursuit of the raiders, and he knew they had prisoners. His ship's not a connie (haven't decided the class to be honest...) It wasn't designed for this type of mission, but he'd have gone after the raiders in a rowboat if that's all he had. He didn't know about the defenses on the other side of the gateway/anomaly, but that really wouldn't have stopped him. Part of that old 23rd Century attitude that Starfleet finds itself lacking, and sought to reclaim with Project Christopher.

As for the Enterprise being sent alone to recover and escort her back to known space, there are reasons both logistic and political. A Constitution class ship was the best suited for this type of recovery in terms of range, manpower, defenses, and engineering capacity, but with the Canon TOS loss of the Intrepid, Defiant, Excalibur, and Constellation I reckon that the cupboard was pretty bare. Destroyers wouldn't have the legs to keep up with a vessel specifically designed for deep space exploration, although science vessels would have been handy. They're designed for long range, deep space runs and packed full of sensors handy for recon. Would have been an asset in that anomaly riddled section of space.

That's were politics comes in.

In this era I picture a growing climate of secrecy and micromanagement in both Starfleet Intelligence and the Federation Security Council. (The sort of politicizing of Starfleet Kirk later complained about.) So somewhere, there are some Suit Desk Things deciding that the fewer ships that know about The Augment Threat, the better. Likely as not the same assclowns who insisted that the details of who was being kidnapped be kept from the captains trying to protect the area the raiders were operating in... and who withheld knowledge that the attackers were quite possibly Augments. And these Suit Desk Things have enough juice and influence to lock Cartwright out. Which is why Granger's men found themselves in a screaming meat grinder of hate (but still came back with trophies.) That same thinking leads to "The fewer people know about The Augment Threat, the more likely we are to be able to brush it under the rug." A full task force would attract attention, a deep space explorer going out into the Big Black, not so much. So Kirk is on his own until returning to friendly space where they'll pick up some (politically reliable) escorts for the Triumphant Return.

Another issue contributing to the panicked need for secrecy is cultural as much as it is political is that I figure Augments are up at the top of the Pucker Factor List. This era is much closer to the Eugenics Wars than the STNG/DS9 era. Yet in the "more evolved" 24th century, we saw there was still paranoia and fear in regard to Augments. Dr. Bashier was almost cashiered and barred from practicing medicine because his parents had him genejacked when he was 5 or 6. The office who beat him by one question was imprisoned for a couple of months until she could *prove* to starfleet that she hadn't been engineered. In the books, there's one story where Sherman's planet is almost booted from the Federation because of some quick and dirty genetic resequencing the DaVinchi used on them to save the planetary population from a sort of hyper-ebola.

So given the fear of Augments we see in the 24th century, I'm working under the assumption that it would be much, much greater back in the TOS era. The very mention that there were Augments still alive would likely cause a great many buttholes to slam shut. Politicians, Starfleet personnel, John Q Public... very few of them are going to react in a rational manner. Except the opportunists.[/i]

[Carmen les Toreadors]

You get some feedback from me in another more unconventional way.

The character I'm playing bears -some- resemblance to an Augment but in a very, very remote connection. Starfleet Intelligence recommends investigation.

Lets share notes, shall we?

Here is a short summary, which itself links to the full size character history (updated to current spec).

http://stotosveteransfleet.guildlaunch.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=29799352&gid=205090#29799352